Thursday, February 9, 2012

Blonde Thoughts

Once in awhile I get this itch I can't reach. It sits there on the edge of my brain begging, pleading to be scratched. Generally the itch is called "boredom", and the scratching is called "cut your hair". I'm not sure why it is that I go through phases of really, really wanting to cut my hair, but it might have something to do with not actually having loved any of my haircuts since two summers ago... when I cut it in a longish pixie cut. The problem comes when I get the hair-cut-itch, but simultaneously really want to grow my hair back to the long tresses I had in my teen years. So instead of cutting it, I did something crazy. I dyed it. Well actually I bleached it... twice... and then I dyed it. The picture is after the first bleaching, I had to go to work the next day with rather yellow hair. After work I bleached it again, and then dyed it an ash blonde. It is at a pretty nice blonde now, and not too overwhelmingly yellow (yay!).
Now, the moral of the story (because every story has to have one, right?) actually has nothing to do with hair dying, and everything to do with mind set. See, I am an analyzer... to be honest I am mostly just an over-analyzer. In the bleachy fumes of the moment, I wasn't really thinking about expectations of me, of whether dying my hair would make people think I was insecure, or whether it is sinful to change yousrelf from how God created you. No I wasn't thinking any of those things until today when I had nothing but my dog and my own thoughts to keep me company. Then the thoughts start rolling in like waves. I felt worried, I felt guilty, I felt insecure and strangely vulnerable. But the thing is... it's just hair. I can grow it, chop it off, color it, perm it (if I really wanted to), dread it, and it still is not changing who I am, what I believe, what I think of myself. It was just a scratch. It's just hair. It's just blonde hair.